Mental ramblings of a tattooed bride..

I have a great big fear that on my wedding day, I will walk down the aisle and everyone will ignore my bridal beauty and focus on the great big tattoo on my arm.  

I will admit this here, and only here, that for a while I was even considering covering it up to appease our wedding guests.  Luckily this isn’t something that has ever been suggested to me, I just let my overworking girl brain get the best of me.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in what is expected of you.  Or even worse, what you THINK is expected of you.  

I had an idea of the half sleeve that I wanted to get but it changed when Aaron lost his best friend to suicide. 

He was living with us at the time.  He had always struggled with depression but he seemed like he was doing okay.  After a few months he was starting to lose it, and we were nervous.  The night before he left, I looked at Aaron and said “we need to talk about this tomorrow because I’m getting worried.”  That was after he told Aaron he could have his guitar.  That was the last time we saw him.

After he hadn’t come home a day later I went in his room and found his suicide note.  It took the police all day to find him.  While Aaron became very sick, I obsessively cleaned the house hoping he’d walk through the front door.  The police came back that evening, and our lives were changed forever.

That day somehow fused me and Aaron together.  I think when you go through something so tragic, even only a few months in to our relationship, it defines whether or not you can make it through.

The tattoo on my arm is from the book he left me with.  I finished it right before I found his letter saying goodbye.

Is it somewhat strange that a chick would get a giant “ship of the dead” from a Stephen King novel tattooed on her arm?  TOTALLY! 

And while that doesn’t go along with what people’s vision of a normal bride is, it’s me.

I told Aaron last month that while I love all of our groomsmen; it’s hard for me to plan the wedding knowing that he was supposed to be up there with us.  I will always feel like he’s missing. 

I know that when I walk down the aisle he’s there, represented, in a better way than just his name in our program. 

Because a piece of him, a piece of everyone I've lost, is there with me, on my left arm.

And I'm gonna rock the shit out of it.

Normal work stuff.

I'm an apartment manager which comes with its own interesting set of perks and shortcomings. 

PRO:  Free rent and ALL utilites!
CON:  Dim-witted residents that think it’s a good time to ask you about Community Policies while you’re in your pajamas, bra-less, walking your dog, at 10 o’clock at night. 

My least favorite part of my job is doing an Annual Inspection.  Meaning we give a resident 24 hours notice that we’re gonna get all up in their apartment and make sure they’re not hoarders, that they don’t have mold, or a meth lab.

While I think some people would enjoy being in someone’s apartment for the temptation of snooping it makes me morbidly uncomfortable.

I say morbidly because whenever I go in to someone’s apartment 98% of the time I am terrified that I’m going to find a dead body. 

I’ve never been traumatized in any sort of “rotting corpse discovery” sort of way.  But I’m going blame the 13 some odd seasons of Law & Order SVU marathons that I get sucked in to. 

Once I’ve secured the apartment and double checked that there are no carcasses, my next overwhelming fear is that this otherwise normal appearing resident is going to throw a plastic bag over my head in a  “SURPRISE! I’m a psycho and you're dead!” serial killer moment.

So..

Other than that, the free rent is pretty good.

What's happened since June

I am the world's worst blogger.  Bleh.  You know how women with children say that they have "mommy brain" when they forget stuff?  Yeh well I have "wedding brain."  So sue me.

In June Aaron and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary.  Time has totally flown by.  It's now only 9 months to the wedding and things are going well in great part to my over obsessive compulsive brain working overtime.

Yesterday I excitedly told Aaron "I booked our uplighting today!"
Aaron: "How much does that cost?"
Me: "It's only 200." (it's $220 but for some reason I thought the extra $20 seemed excessive)
Aaron: "What is it?"
Me: "It's uplighting...... it's lighting.... for the walls"

Whoops.  I guess that sounds pretty dumb to any guy.  He will totally appreciate it when he sees it in all it's glory.  At least he didn't question it further, Phew!

Last month my sister gave birth to a beautiful (big) baby boy.  I would like to announce that my uterus has FINALLY started wanting something.  I still don't want a baby anytime soon but THANK GOD I have some sort of a biological clock.... or hourglass.....

My 28th birthday is at the end of this month.  All of my bridesmaids have agreed to come down (on a Tuesday no less) to spend it with me and to do an initial dress search for them.  My sister, aka my Matron of Honor will be taking her first trip down here with my nephew Alex.  I'm glad Aaron will get to spend some time with him.  I got a crash course in baby care when I went up for three days to help her take care of him.  Oh and of course just had the talk with my future mother in law about when babies will be happening.

Aaron's bday is exactly one week after mine (what a pain in the ass right? haha) We're going to spend the weekend in between in Mexico with our friends John and Jessie.  Then I have no idea what to do or give him for his birthday.

I usually have this planned out months in advance but I can't help it I have "wedding brain."

Till next time ... hopefully not 4 months from now :)

looky looky

This isn't after any more highlights I guess just the toner that my stylist put in last time has just been fading over time revealing this really pretty golden brown.  Will be going back in the beginning of next month (hopefully in time for our trip to Rosarito!)  ps.  I know I'm super cheap but I've also kinda re-fallen in love with Supercuts.  Screw it.  I'm cool with having my hair cut for 18 bucks!

Going camping for the night to catch up with a few other couples at the tail end of their Memorial Day Weekend trip.  My weekend is Monday - Wednesday but luckily have a ladies night with my best friend to get pedis and sushi on Tuesday.  Holler.

there's a marriage at the end of this wedding

I feel that Aaron and I have what it takes to make it.  I feel that in my bones that's how much I believe it.

We are total goofballs and we will do practically anything to make each other laugh.  That is my favorite parts about us. 

Well lets just assume that Aaron and I live to be 90.  *Fingers crossed*

What happens if and when that laughter stops at some point within the next 63 years?   I guess I just have no idea and no example in my life of how that works.  At least Aaron's parents are still together but I've been living with a single mom since I was about 5.

How long does it really take for people to throw in the towel?  When do people let go of the "till death do us part"? 

it's official, I'm getting married

June 16, 2012.  The venue is booked!!

Riverwalk Golf Course in Mission Valley, SD.  It's gorgeous and this bridge is the backdrop of our ceremony.  Horrah!

It's still over a year away and although I'm told it will go by fast I think everyone is lying. 

I'm so excited!!

Easter Sunday

I have been struggling this week.

I went home to LA last week for Aaron and I to do our engagement photo shoot and my mom wanted to throw a mini engagement dinner for just our family. 

Everything for one reason or another, went very weird.  I somehow ended up making two of my closest friends randomly mad at me and ended up crying at my engagement dinner.

I felt very attacked and I guess it was my first lesson that you can't take anything personal when planning a wedding and somehow people always think they know better or want to disagree with your plans.

We made the mistake of saying "this is about us getting married, if people don't want to be a part of it they don't have to be."  Somehow that set off my stepdad in to this weird rant as I just sat there crying.  Unfortunately I was trapped in the awkward back corner of the table and couldn't even get up to leave.

I emailed him the next morning to apologize and I still haven't heard back from him.  This hurts me more than I can even explain.  I'm sure he meant to get back to me or hasn't gotten the email but I've built it up in my head that he hates me now.  ...I know that's not true but that's my girl brain working.

So yes, I've been struggling.

I feel so blessed that I found this most fantastic church here in San Diego that has Sunday evening services because I work every Sunday morning. 

This is not a huge church by the way.  Our church only started in 2000.  We actually hold service at Kearny High School in the auditorium.  I know that a church is the people and not the location but that threw me for a loop the first time we went.  But honestly, this is the best church I've ever been to.

We went to the Easter service last night.  The church had set a goal a couple months ago to raise 100 thousand dollars for Haiti, after they had done a ministry trip there. 

When they announced that goal I thought that there was no way it could be accomplished and I'm sad that I have so little faith in the congregation in these hard economic times. 

They announced the total at the end of the service and our church is now sending 219 thousand dollars to Haiti. 

I couldn't believe it. 

All things are possible through God and I'm starting to believe that more.

I need to stop being so selfish.  The wedding isn't just about Aaron and I.  It's about a group of people who have helped us along the way. 

I need to stop complaining to the people who have been generous in helping us.  I just wanted everyone to understand that I'm doing everything I can to have a nice wedding with the people that are closest to us. 

We could have thrown a decently nice wedding for 100 people but have decided that it's more important to treat those 50 people to a wonderful sit down dinner to celebrate with us.

That's all I wanted to say.

I guess I just have to call him....

already kinda over this whole wedding thing...

Every once in a while I'll wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep because I re plan my wedding in my head. 

This morning this went on from 3am (from when I got up to clean cat vom off our carpet) and was wide awake until it was daylight out.  FML

I'm stressed out and frankly, I'm totally depressed over the whole thing.

Pardon my French, but weddings are bull shit.

You can't make anyone happy.  Everything is overpriced (a thousand dollars for flowers are you kidding me?)  Every married woman has told me to "just elope"

When we got engaged I told Aaron that I would take care of everything.  I've already been thinking about it for a while and I have plenty of time at work to research vendors.

The problem is that I didn't know that we'd be working with a 9 thousand dollar budget (including our honeymoon).  That's 5 grand from my Mom and Pseudo Step Dad and 4 grand that Aaron and I can pull together over the next year.

In hindsight that seems like a lot of money, but even to plan a small wedding it's practically impossible. 

Can't we just elope on our honeymoon and put 7-8 grand towards saving for a house?!  Wouldn't that be a smarter idea?

    

Blonde #1

Blonde #2

So apparently getting back to blonde is actually going to take forever.  I guess there is a noticeable difference between pic one and two but I've got a long road back. 

We're doing our engagement photo shoot next week up in LA.  Our good friend Lindsay will be taking them.  I hope she realizes that we are horribly un-photogenic.

We had two bdays to celebrate this last weekend so we went to Lips.  It's a drag show here in North Park.  We went on Saturday night for dinner and drinks and went back with our hangovers on Sunday morning for their Gospel Brunch.  Oh.. yeh... they have bottomless mimosas and bloody marys.  Yowzer.

 



27's my lucky number.

Me, my father, and my mother were all born on a 27th.  September 27th, December 27th, and November 27th. 

It is unbelievable how different you feel between your early 20's to your late 20's.  Your early 20's are matched with insecurity and self doubt.  But at 27 years old it finally feels like it's all coming together. 

I'm out of the awkward "post college" years where you don't really know what your doing or what your plan is.  I wear less make up and feel more comfortable in my own skin.  I eat right and go to sleep early and don't need to get wasted to have a good time.

It's painfully unfair that adolescence and post adolescence is paired with self doubt during all those years of discovery in trying to find the person you are and the person you want to be. 

I like that I'd rather get a new pair of flats instead of a bottle of Jack Daniels. 

I like that I'd rather spend a night in PJ's with Aaron than dancing on a bar or throwing up in the bushes (thanks college).

I like that I don't want to look like Kate Moss anymore and have realized that my hips are HIPS and not love handles. 

I'm so happy that I could quit smoking so I could remember how good Spring smells.  I missed that season for 8 years!

I am blessed to have found the man that I didn't think was out there.  The man I'm going to marry.

LIFE. IS. GOOD.

I am so stoked to make a life with this man and know that this is the life that God planned for us.

my weekend starts on tuesday.

I swear.. San Diego has two seasons, fall and summer.

We are blessed to have an adorable off leash dog park right down the street from us so I spent some quality time with my best bud, Baxter, earlier this week.  I know this is ridiculous but my dog is actually photogenic.  I think he understands there's a camera and he works it.  ;)

 Aaron and I did some hiking in Torrey Pines which overlook La Jolla shores and is supposed to be breathtaking but of course we drive out there and we are literally standing in a giant cloud that blocks any possibly view of the ocean.  That was kind of a bust.

Although we did sort our our bridal party so woot woot.

MORE BLONDE IS COMING TOMORROW!!

Can't wait!  Then I'm going to take my sassy blonde self to watch the Padres whoop the Giants.  It's on orange and black!!!!   You're goin dowwwwwwn!!


 

video

Have you heard of this atrocity known as Rebecca Black with her smash hit "Friday"?  If you haven't, I implore you to look it up on youtube.  I will warn you though that you will be greatly disappointed in our youth for their brain washed taste in music.  I've heard people compare her as the next Justin Beiber.  Don't get me wrong, I don't have a thing for the Beib but I think he at least has talent.  At least the bare minimum to be able to be a pop sensation.  Which, lets me honest, most pop starts can be lacking in that department, aside from the most fantastic Christina Aguilera. 

The music video "Friday" becoming a hit is what I can only assume as the the beginning of the 2012 apocalypse.  It led Aaron and I in to a conversation of "is there any real music still out there?  Or is it all about who you know?" 

Everyone is allowed to have their own taste in music, but is it really fair that POD, Papa Roach, and Nickleback are still rocking the airwaves when really talented bands go unnoticed?

On the flip side as soon as a band is put out there they lose their street cred and become to overly produced.  (Ahem, Against Me! I was a huge fan and your last album was crap.)

This is the Bronx.  They keep it real.  

Plus I will always enjoy a music video that attempts to turn band members in to children, but makes them look like awkward midgets instead.

Becoming a local - Prospect Bar and Grill, La Jolla

Aaron and I decided that we are skinny fat people.  Aaron and I both have fantastic metabolisms and DON'T GET ME WRONG I thank God everyday that I can eat Taco Bell 7 days a week and stay at the same weight (give or take 5 pounds).  Nevertheless, it has allowed us to slump in to being total couch potatoes. 

Yes I want to excercise more but it's sooooooo haaaaard!!! 

Anyway, the first step was to get us out of the freaking apartment.  We've lived in San Diego for almost two years and I still feel like a tourist.  I know nothing about this city and that's darn right pathetic. 

We checked out a spot in La Jolla because I have really never been there and it's gorgeous.  The place is called Prospect Bar and Grill.  It's got a great outdoor patio and overlooks the La Jolla Shores. 

The beer choices were all over the place.  Ranging from Green Flash IPA to..... a tall can of Pabst Blue Ribbon??!!  It was odd because the manager had told us how excited she was to finally be getting Newcastle on tap.  San Diego has a huge following of craft beer and overall beer snobbery and Newcastle is less than impressive.  In college Newcastle was my staple along with double jack and cokes and even I know that.  She eventually sat down with Aaron and I to ask for beer suggestions and how to get more of the UCSD crowd in. 

It's a great bar but it seems a bit like it's struggling.  If they combined their view of La Jolla with a really solid beer list they'd be set.  All the beer bars in San Diego are cramped, indoors, and crawling with too many plaid shirts and overgrown mustaches anyway.



Dorking it up <333



pardon my hiatus

I had a week of non stop weddingness as being a new bride I got consumed by it all in excitement.  Now that I keep reminding myself that there are still 14 more months till the wedding I am trying to simmer down.  Plus I'm pretty sure I've already chosen a photographer and the church.  So that essentially makes me done with planning for at least 3 months.

I am planning a small wedding of approximately 50-60.  The reception will be in the backyard of his parent’s house.  Which I thought was awesome because it's in Studio City which means we could probably have our wedding night in a sweet hotel in Hollywood.  Also I knew it was a perfect setting because it was in that backyard that we said "I love you" for the first time.  aww.

This is the theme I'm thinking about doing depending on my budget....

I'm engaged!

I'm very thrilled to announce that my boyfriend of almost 3 years proposed in Big Bear this weekend. 

I am a very happy girl!!

Can't wait to get my ring fitted so I can wear it!

vid pick

Sleigh Bells "Infinity Guitars"

I cannot help but love this video.  Singer Alexis Krauss brings the heat paired with former Poison the Well guitarist Derek E. Miller.  

A fairly new band formed in 2008 they've released two albums, their self titled EP (2009), and Treats (2010) 

They fall under the genre of Noise Pop.  My familiarity with rock genres has failed me on that one, but this band and this genre definitely deserve a second look.

WARNING: this song will make you feel like a bad ass.

This one is for all the tall girls.

Hi there.  My name is Dee.  I’m a 27 year old San Diegan attempting to do the best I can.  Currently I’d love to get out of my current job as an apartment manager and be able to something a little more glamorous, but in the mean time I’ll take a free apartment and the wage of a McDonald’s employee. 

I am starting this new blog to, in a sense, inspire myself.  There are so many things that I want to do, or want to be, but I pretend that there’s not enough time or money to pursue these things. 

I used to write a lot.  I was an angsty teenager that wrote angry hateful poetry about high school.  How original right? 

I found a box of this garbage about 2 months ago and trashed all of it.  I’m 27, why have I been holding on to a box full of pain as a reminder that I told my poor mother all the time that I was going to kill myself.

Sorry bout that mumsy.

The point is that I guess I’ve never really written outside of being sad and I miss writing.

Back in my teenage years when I started figuring out who I was, I was somewhat derailed by a friend, fashion wise.  She only had the best intentions but I was directed back in to a mold of regularity.  I’m still sorting out who I really am from the years of what I though I should be.

Here I am.  A total liar, because I’m not even blonde right now.  You can see a brief glimmer of hope in my hair, those tiny blonde highlights.  I’ve been a red head for over 3 years and even after all that time I still slip and call myself a 6 foot blonde.

This is a journey, of self doubt, self discovery, and bringing back the blonde.